I once had a second cousin with acute mental retardation who pleasured herself in public. It was near impossible to reprimand her, as she didn’t quite understand social norms and conventions, and therefore couldn’t see the fault of her action. Thus she’d go on rubbing it out wherever she became aroused – whether in the privacy of her bedroom or the not-so-private living room during a family gathering.

Mix tapes are love letters. (When’s the last time you got one of those? You’re welcome.) And while I’m not trying to fuck you, this mix WILL get you laid. Fact. If this doesn’t happen–and I don’t mean to sound like your father–you’ve somehow managed to screw up a sure thing. At least your failure came with a rad soundtrack.

If you’re relaxing in a treehouse somewhere in Los Angeles, stop what you’re doing immediately: the Department of Building and Safety is charging you with a felony and coming to remove your treehouse at once. It is dangerous, and you cannot be trusted to play on your own.