Words by Eli C

I realize that non-Bay Area people tend to have a skewed impression of San Francisco because they might have visited for a weekend and had “fun.” I, on the other hand, have lived in the Bay Area for about 20 years and I can honestly tell you that SF is fucking shit. Not THE shit, rather, a rancid pile of week old human feces. It is boring, cold and a waste of a major metropolitan area. Sure, San Francisco is a good looking town, but that’s about where the fascination should end.

Don’t get me wrong: SF is a great place for normies who don’t aspire to anything more than a career as a financial analyst, until they are fired just prior to getting pension and exiled to the Central Valley for their final days of existence. Heck, if that sounds appealing to you, you probably deserve to be here. SF is an expensive, ephemeral bubble that will rupture eventually, when reality (or an earthquake) inevitably drowns these saps for good.

And so I present to you the never ending list of why San Francisco SUCKS:

1. It is not New York

2. It is not L.A.
- People can hate on L.A. but it does have the movie industry. Glam over gloom any day.

3. It is stupidly cold
- The east bay has undeniably better weather than the ‘City by the Bay.’ You must be fucking stupid to live in San Francisco for the climate, and yet, many people claim to.

4. Everybody is a transplant
- Just like in Brooklyn, but there are more freedoms in NY. And better parties. And hotter babes. And better food. And better jobs.

5. Too expensive
- If you are paying $1,200 a month for a miniature room in a two bedroom apartment, you should at least live in an area that is not completely filthy and rampant with crackheads. Dirt and squalor does not equal hip. Doing hip things equals hip.

6. The Giants and their fans
- These bougie bitches know how to bandwagon. They sell sushi at the park and give out rounds of golf for fan appreciation day. SF is not a sports city. Maybe it used to be, but not anymore. POSERS.

7. ‘Artists’
- Why live there? there is no real art scene and no one gives a shit about your overlooked pieces of ‘genius.’ You wanna get famous? Move.

8. Lame parties
- There are never any house shows. If there is a “warehouse” party it ends by 1 a.m., and there is usually a cover to get in. Whooo! FUCK YEAH! ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE. TRON/ElectroDouche party WAS MY IDEA. Nope. At least the frat bros in the marina actually get wasted and enjoy themselves without jerking off.

9. The Marina
- Southern California took the biggest shit ever. Beer pong has never been so expensive

10. The Sunset
- Borrrrrring. Even the beach couldn’t save it from how insipidly boring it is.

11. Crazy drivers
- What’s the rush? Why you drive so fasssst? You aren’t important in the grand scheme of things and you are stressing yourself out for NO REASON, you waste of a human being.

12. Faux-condescending Liberals
- You are worse than hardcore conservatives because you don’t actually have a belief system. You are a plague to American progress. Buying a Prius doesn’t absolve you. Buying a smart car is worse.

13. Hipsters
- Why are you living here? If you want to live in a ‘cool area’ with a ‘scene’ go to Portland or Oakland. The only scene here is for ‘Foodies’ and annoying people like that.

Agree with Eli? Agree to disagree? Comment back & tell us what you think. Or you know, feel free to add to the “never ending list.” Or follow him on twitter @lesayoh